Above: a selfie in the Grand Canyon Lodge during my dreamy travel in the USA (2022)
Very gentle, kind and discreet men often have a dominating mother. They have learned to love their failings and to respect them despite their low blows. They are often completely blind about their mother, seeing neither their intrusions, nor their wickedness, nor their deep desire to rule everything, including their own in-laws. So how do you spot a toxic mother-in-law? I’m an expert in that ground, laughs! Of the three mothers-in-law I had, all of them were super toxic! Toxicity is not what you think. These women are toxic and yet care about the words they use with you when talking. Yet their goal is always to put it: to get you to follow the ideas they have got for you, your husband and your kids and to dominate your whole family (including your own parents!)
In general, manipulative and dominating men have a rather nice mother. It is rather the weak men who allow themselves to be dominated by their mother. It must be said that they are often symbolically castrated and dominated by them. The toxic mother uses guilt wonderfully, attributing herself the role of the poor mother abandoned and misunderstood by everyone… This kind of woman makes sure, in private, that their son has pity on them… Luckily, if that’s the case for you and you’re tired of going through an awful mother-in-law, I’ll give you some tips on how to put them back in their place.
What is a toxic mother-in-law who oversteps her rights and responsibilities?
-She knows everything better than you
-She insinuates things more than she says them
-She fits into your home, makes herself at home
-If you buy a property she acts as if it belonged to her!
-She is jealous of your possessions and your professional advances and you can feel it
-She is kind and understanding with you when you are sad, grieving or sick. Seeing you in a situation of weakness reactivates her feeling of power and greatness!
-She tries to get you to raise your own children according to her own ideas of education…
-She searches through your belongings, manages to get your home keys etc
-She looks at your smartphone…
-She arrives at your place whenever she wants without even asking you
-In the conflicts that may oppose you to your co-workers, your friends or your family, she always takes a position for the enemy!
-She allows herself to reflect on your physique when you are really cute and muscular and never seems to look at herself in the mirror! That’s just absolutely crazy!
-She gets angry as soon as you mention the possibility of acquiring a valuable property such as a swimming pool, a jacuzzi or any property that evokes your good financial health! She is totally mad about that!
-Regarding your projects, she always expresses a negative opinion and point of view. On the other hand, she greatly values her own projects through her language, even if they are sometimes very wobbly…
-If you arrive at an event radiant, well dressed and you are the most beautiful, she holds it against you. On the other hand, she steals advantageous photos of you to show them to her friends, boasting of having a great and beautiful daughter-in-law! She therefore likes to divide and plays on all fronts! etc
For example my mother-in-law is toxic. At the beginning of my relationship with my husband, she hid this aspect of herself. She seemed pleasant. It must be said that I earned a large salary at the time (between 4000 and 6000 euros per month) since in addition to my work as a therapist I was editor-in-chief of a major French finance magazine. The day I decided to retrain and go back to school to become a sophrologist, she started attacking me. So all she respected in me before was my wallet! That’s something crazy! Let me give you an example of her toxicity… My husband and I had set up a publishing company. The whole time we were running this company, she kept saying she didn’t believe in it and that we were going to go bankrupt! Is she a psychic? No, of course! Call her Madame Irma! She was actually looking for war all the time! In my own house, the one I bought on my own before I met my husband, she made herself feel like home, asking me if I had paid my taxes and stuff like that! She constantly infantilized me! When we put a jacuzzi on our wedding list, she managed to send the message to all our guests not to buy us this gift because “unemployed people do not deserve a jacuzzi”! I was in retraining, of course, but I was working all the same! And my husband had the same job since a few years! If you liked this article, leave me a comment. Feel free to give me your own tips for dealing with your toxic mother-in-law.
Then it continued. When I was brunette, she said that I was better in blonde, when I was blonde she regretted when I was brunette. In summer my skirts were always too short but in winter they were too long. She constantly criticized my children. She even told me that a navy blue sweater didn’t go with my six-month-old baby’s skin tone! By the way, she called me a racist because I didn’t want to vote for President Macron! I don’t like that guy. Too many falsehoods and not enough personality… It was as if I had no right to have my own opinion! She systematically denies the free will of others but goes out of her way to ensure that hers is fully respected!
That’s when I end up changing my attitude with her and her daughter (who is really her perfect double!). I stored all my personal effects in a large lockable cupboard and took care not to leave anything personal in her sight. For example, my best friend died very young. He is a person I deeply loved and with whom I still feel united and connected in thought. I had a photo of the two of us, at 20, on my piano. Each time she pointed out to my husband that he was not the only one in my heart! One day she crossed the line by openly mocking our photo when my husband had told her that this friend was like a brother to me and that I had suffered enormously from his death. She says, showing the photo: “Well luckily he’s dead otherwise you’d be a cuckold!” Imagine that! She had really shown her true face! That day my husband admitted that his mother had a problem with all the other women including me! He reassured me by telling me that she was unhappy with her physique and her divorced woman situation. And also that she envied my silhouette because she had never been thin.
The wife of my husband’s best friend, who is a very nice psychologist, saw things differently and said to me: “This woman envies you because you are pretty, you play sports, you write books, you record songs, you are a complete artist, you have got your own therapist’s office and you travel the world whenever you want. In fact, what she wants is your freedom! Don’t you think she feels blocked in her life? ” This reflection calmed me down and I began to set healthy limits. For example, I stopped confiding and I answered by providing as little information as possible about me, my work, my bank account, my possessions, my professional projects, my travel plans. Last February I booked a plane ticket to Los Angeles and organized a big trip in Arizona and Utah for myself. I asked my husband not to tell her because I didn’t need to hear her opinion about that. It was only in June, a few days before my departure, that I subtly slipped into the conversation that I was leaving in a few days for the USA. The suitcases were already packed and I was already thinking about this trip. My head was already in the Arizona I love so much! She was silent! For once she understood that she had not been informed! So it cut off his voice! That was a great way to set new boundaries!
Today, I have an unstoppable technique for setting limits with her and her daughter: I consider myself a secret agent who must not reveal anything about her identity or her private life! And it works very well. Here are some tips for setting boundaries with your toxic mother-in-law:
-Don’t try to please her but just maintain your naturalness and love yourself as you are, without overdoing it. Realize your personal worth!
-Keep your vibrations high, protect yourself with energy protection exercises
-Be the discreet, healthy and balanced person she is not
-Be truly imbued with the idea that being happy is everyone’s business and responsibility. If she prefers war, that’s her problem… not yours! Not my circus, not my monkeys!
-When she talks to you or tries to find out things about you, go to the toilet, go have a glass of water but end the conversation, that’s the main thing to do!
-Don’t let her interfere into your life and don’t interfere into hers
-Reframe her and if she has your keys, manage to take them back from her
-Learn to answer clearly if you cannot do otherwise. For example she says: “I am flabbergasted to see the lax way in which you raise your children” then answer: “I am flabbergasted to see the rigorous way in which you want to raise children who are not yours”. If she says, “Your wallpaper is horrible,” say, “I just like horrible things.” Make sure to duplicate the beginning of his sentence. Be sure she will stop communicating with you!
-Do not have any confidential exchange with her!
-Do not expose your personal items even if they are expensive or beautiful
-Hide your valuables as jealousy might lead him to intentionally break things you like
-To summarize do not give him matter to discuss!
If you liked this article, leave me a comment. Feel free to give me your own tips for dealing with your toxic mother-in-law.