As parents, we expect a certain evolution in our relationship with our children. We raise them with care, support their growth, and hope that as they reach adulthood, a new, more balanced dynamic will emerge—one rooted in mutual respect.
So what happens when your young adult child, someone you’ve loved and nurtured, begins to speak to you with sarcasm, contempt, or criticism? When their words make you feel small, disrespected, or even hurt? Especially when, deep down, you know they’re not a “bad” person?
You’re not alone—and this situation, while painful, is more common than many parents admit. Let me give you an example :
One of my clients has three children. She sacrificed enormously for her first child, whom she had at the age of 30 as a single mother. Although the father acknowledged the child and was involved in his upbringing, and although both families did everything they could to support him and offer him an almost ideal childhood—nanny, cultural outings, holidays abroad, language courses, generous gifts, constant encouragement, emotional support, etc.—today he treats his mother like she’s worth nothing.
He isn’t overtly mean as long as there’s no conflict, but the moment my client expresses an opinion, her son—now a 22-year-old student—mocks her, reminds her that she didn’t study much (even though she actually completed eight years of higher education after high school!), and criticizes the way she raised him.
He also reproaches her for not being strict enough with her two younger children. He seems to want her to enforce very firm discipline with his younger siblings, even though he himself received all the love and understanding possible.
My client is completely heartbroken and disoriented.
Here’s what I advised my client after listening carefully:
First, acknowledge your pain—it’s real and valid. But remember: love does not mean enduring disrespect. You can support your son without allowing him to mistreat you. Set clear, calm boundaries: let him know that mockery and contempt are not acceptable, even if you’re still helping him financially. Remind him (and yourself) that mutual respect is the foundation of any healthy adult relationship.
If he continues to belittle you, consider attaching conditions to your support—respect must be part of the deal. Don’t be afraid to take a step back emotionally; sometimes distance is necessary for both healing and growth.
Lastly, refocus on your own value: you’ve done far more than “not enough.” You’ve raised a child with love, given him opportunities, and stayed present. That speaks of strength, not failure.
Understanding the Behavior: It’s Not Always About You
One of the hardest things to accept as a parent is that our children, even as adults, are still developing. Emotionally, neurologically, and psychologically. A young adult in their late teens or early twenties may look grown up, but many are still struggling to find their place in the world—and sometimes, that struggle shows up as lashing out at those closest to them.
Here are some possible reasons behind their behavior:
- Projection of internal struggle: They may be grappling with insecurity, frustration, or fear about their future. In moments of stress or self-doubt, it’s easier to shift blame onto someone else—often a parent.
- Desire for independence: Young adults may try to assert their autonomy by rejecting anything associated with their childhood, including parental influence. Sometimes, this comes out as hostility or criticism.
- Unprocessed family dynamics: Issues from earlier years—feeling misunderstood, overly controlled, or unsupported (even if unintentionally)—can resurface during this transitional phase.
- Learned behavior: If sarcasm, criticism, or avoidance of vulnerability was modeled in your family or social environment, they may simply be mirroring what they’ve seen.
Importantly, their negative behavior doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means they’re navigating a turbulent stage of identity formation—messily, and sometimes unfairly.
What Can You Do as a Parent?
It’s tempting to respond with anger, guilt, or self-blame—but none of these will bring real change. Instead, consider these grounded steps:
1. Step Back and Observe
Before reacting, take a breath. Try to see the situation clearly. Is this pattern constant or occasional? Does it flare up around specific topics (money, choices, values)? What does your child’s tone and behavior reveal about their internal state?
2. Set Boundaries Calmly
Loving your child doesn’t mean accepting mistreatment. Say clearly, “I want to have a respectful relationship with you. When you speak to me that way, it hurts. I won’t engage in conversations where I feel attacked.”
Consistency here is key. Boundaries teach emotional responsibility.
3. Don’t Take It Personally
Yes, it feels personal. But often, their behavior reflects them, not you. You are their emotional “safe zone”—so they let loose on you in ways they wouldn’t dare with others. While not fair, it highlights a deeper trust (and sometimes dependency) that they’re struggling to manage.
4. Model Emotional Maturity
Respond with the kind of adult behavior you want them to grow into. Avoid sarcasm, guilt-tripping, or emotional withdrawal. Be firm, but kind. Hold space, but don’t enable.
5. Create Opportunities for Honest Conversation
Pick a calm moment to talk. Say something like:
“I’ve noticed we’ve been having a tough time communicating lately. I know you’re going through a lot. But I miss feeling connected to you.”
Avoid blame. Invite reflection. You might be surprised by what surfaces.
6. Encourage Outside Support
Sometimes, what your child needs isn’t you—it’s therapy, mentorship, or connection with peers. Encourage them to seek help in understanding their emotions and behavior.
Final Thoughts: You’re Still Their Anchor
Even when your young adult child pushes you away, criticizes you, or acts in hurtful ways, your presence still matters. You may not feel appreciated right now, but your steady love, self-respect, and emotional clarity offer them a model of what healthy adulthood looks like.
This phase isn’t permanent. With time, many young adults come to recognize the value of their parents and the complexity of their own journey.
Keep your heart open, your boundaries firm, and your faith in the long game. Parenting doesn’t stop at 18—but it does evolve.
If this resonates with you, feel free to share your story in the comments. Let’s break the silence around this difficult—but very real—part of parenting.
