Seeing your child refuse to return to school can be distressing for any parent. Whether it’s anxiety, social difficulties, or a deeper emotional struggle, this situation requires patience and understanding. Instead of forcing them back into the classroom, it’s important to address the root cause of their reluctance. Here are four key strategies to help navigate this challenge.
I regularly receive parents in my practice who feel completely overwhelmed by this situation. Their child refuses to return to school after an event, a vacation, or an illness that kept them in bed for a week. The parents feel powerless, unable to get their child back on track. As their worry grows, the child picks up on this anxiety—but may also test their limits to see what they can get away with.
A child who has never been accustomed to skipping school will later perceive absences—from school, university, or work—with a sense of guilt. However, if they have been allowed to avoid school without consequences, they may grow into a young adult who lacks respect for obligations and responsibilities. Let’s explore this further.
For some children, it’s better to ignore complaints when they become a daily routine—especially if they tend to fade by midday or later in the day.
My first child hated preschool because, two years in a row, he had teachers who were both strict and unstable, often losing their temper and yelling at the children. His morning complaints were completely justified. But when we switched schools, and he himself admitted that both the school and the teacher were great, the complaints stopped—only to return a week later.
At that point, I simply continued my day as usual without giving too much attention to his protests, and things naturally settled down. Instead of focusing on his complaints, which were clearly an attempt to stay home, I shifted the conversation toward what we had planned for the day. It went something like this:
- “I don’t want to go to school! This school is awful, and I don’t like the teacher.”
- “Hmm… Do you think I should buy some oranges along with the apples?”
- “I don’t want to go to school!”
- “Let’s make sure these shoes are properly tied.”
- “But Mom, I don’t want to go!”
- “This evening, we’ll stop by the bakery…”
And in the end, everything went back to normal… Sometimes, you make a big deal out of small issues that you could simply ignore!
Sometimes, small family matters take over. For example, when I was little and my grandmother left for the south of France after taking care of me every lunch and evening for a month, I would drag my feet when it was time to go to school and eat in the cafeteria. I experienced that separation as an inner storm.
When parents are separated, it’s also important to be mindful of the child’s emotions.
1. Identify the Underlying Cause
Before finding a solution, take the time to understand why your child is resisting school. Is it fear of academic failure? Social pressure? A conflict with a teacher or classmate? Some children may struggle with anxiety, while others may find the school environment overwhelming. Open, non-judgmental conversations can help uncover what’s really going on. Pay attention to changes in their behavior—sleep disturbances, stomach aches, or withdrawal could signal deeper emotional distress.
2. Validate Their Emotions Without Reinforcing Avoidance
Telling a child to “just go” often backfires. Instead, acknowledge their feelings. Say things like, “I see that going to school feels really hard for you right now. Let’s figure this out together.” This validates their emotions without encouraging avoidance. However, while empathy is essential, prolonged absence can reinforce fear. The goal is to gently help them face their worries rather than escape them.
3. Reintroduce School Gradually
For some children, an abrupt return feels overwhelming. If possible, discuss with their teacher about easing them back in—shorter school days at first, or spending time in a quiet space before joining the full classroom. Creating a structured morning routine can also help reduce anxiety. The predictability of knowing what comes next can make school seem less intimidating.
4. Seek Professional Support When Needed
If your child’s refusal persists despite your efforts, consulting a child psychologist or school counselor may be beneficial. Sometimes, school refusal is linked to deeper anxiety disorders, learning difficulties, or past trauma. A professional can help both you and your child develop coping strategies tailored to their specific needs.
Final Thoughts
A child refusing school is not simply being “difficult”—it’s often a sign that they need support. The key is to approach the situation with patience, understanding, and a clear plan. By addressing their fears, validating their emotions, and providing a structured yet flexible approach, you can help them regain confidence in returning to school.
Case Study: When a Parent’s Burnout Affects the Child
A mother, after experiencing burnout, steps back from actively guiding her child’s education. In this vulnerable phase, she has shown her weaknesses, and now her child no longer sees her as a figure of authority. Although he insists that everything is fine at school, he refuses to go. During therapy, he identifies school as his main source of distress, despite having a supportive and attentive teacher.
In such a situation, the child’s resistance may reflect a deeper emotional confusion rather than an actual school-related issue. He may be struggling with a shift in family dynamics, feeling a loss of stability due to his mother’s emotional absence. To help, the mother should gradually re-establish a sense of security and guidance at home. Open conversations about emotions, without overcompensating for past struggles, can rebuild trust. Collaborating with the school and a psychologist can also help the child separate his home environment from his school experience, allowing him to regain confidence in both.
Child-King vs. Child-God: What Do They Mean?
The “Child-King”
A child-king is given excessive control over family life, with parents struggling to set boundaries. They grow up expecting to have authority over decisions, often resisting frustration and discipline. This can lead to difficulties with emotional regulation, social interactions, and respecting rules.
The “Child-God”
A child-god is not just the center of attention but is also idealized, almost placed on a pedestal by their parents. This often happens when a child unconsciously takes on an emotional role in the parent’s life. Unlike the child-king, who asserts dominance, the child-god carries the burden of perfection, leading to anxiety, fear of failure, and high expectations.
Why Does It Matter?
Both dynamics can create emotional and social struggles. Recognizing these patterns helps parents restore a healthy balance—where love, guidance, and structure support a child’s well-being.
