By Céline Baron, Sophrologist & Clinical Practitioner, Vichy
In a world where material abundance is often interpreted as affection, some children grow up without ever learning to cope with lack. This absence of boundaries, though comforting in the short term, can rebound on its beneficiaries in adulthood.
Some psychologists and child psychiatrists identify a recurring pattern: these adults face relational, professional and existential difficulties rooted in a childhood of excess—one in which frustration was never permitted.
1. A low tolerance for frustration
This is perhaps the most obvious outcome. A child accustomed to immediate gratification never learns to delay satisfaction. As an adult, this shows up as acute vulnerability to failure, rejection, or the slower pace of real life. Some students drop out at the first sign of difficulty, at their first failure. Some young professionals resign at the first critical feedback from an employer.
In romantic life, the pitfalls also emerge: a first bit of emotional distance from their partner, a first conflict is experienced like a heartbreak. Some young women, having been so adored by their parents, collapse when they no longer feel “validated” by the other person, or when their partner expresses doubts about them. Occasionally, parents mount a kind of counter-offensive: “That man is rubbish, he doesn’t deserve our child.”
By placing the child on a pedestal, parents may inadvertently shape a relationship of dependency: the parents decide in their place, emphasising their own anxiety: “the other will never be enough!”
“When one has never learned to tolerate frustration, every disappointment becomes a tragedy,” noted Albert Ellis, a pioneer of American cognitive therapy.
“If one protects someone too much from life’s knocks, one prevents them from building inner resilience,” added Carl Rogers, a major figure in humanistic psychology.
“A society that over-protects its children ends up making them vulnerable to the slightest offence,” cautioned Jonathan Haidt, social psychologist at NYU.
These individuals may therefore struggle to tolerate the pressures inherent in professional or emotional life. Where others adapt, they rebel, convinced that things should come to them naturally.
2. Fragile autonomy
Behind parental generosity sometimes lies a subtle kind of control. By fulfilling every material or emotional need, some parents prevent the child from developing their own autonomy. In adulthood, that dependence often shows up as difficulty in taking responsibility, managing a budget, making decisions or committing long-term.
“The implicit message is: ‘you don’t have to face reality, we will modify it for you,’” analysed Albert Ellis.
Result: a generation of technically competent but psychologically anxious adults.
3. A distorted view of success
When everything has always been handed over without effort, the notion of merit loses its meaning. These adults often swing between two extremes: perfectionism and apathy. Some desperately try to prove their worth by racking up success after success (which can create family resentment, jealousy) while others, unable to see the point, simply disengage.
In both cases, their relationship with work becomes strained. The professional world—with its hierarchies, delays and frustrations—becomes a constant source of discomfort.
4. The feeling of an inner void
This is the most silent yet perhaps the most painful consequence. After having received everything, these adults no longer know what can truly fulfil them. Accustomed to instant gratification, they struggle to enjoy the lasting satisfaction that effort or simplicity can bring. Often, these formerly indulged children believe they must engage in “extraordinary” acts, acquire possessions, or journey somewhere exotic to feel alive and feel “worthy”.
One such person, let’s call her T., pursued relatively straightforward university studies compared to more elite tracks like Medicine or Law. Yet her parents made sure she had the best to avoid any failure. Although she lived an hour from campus by train, they bought her an expensive flat just across from the university. They paid for tutoring in almost every subject. To ensure she had field internships, they covered expensive overseas trips. Today, T. feels no sense of personal achievement in what she has accomplished. Her doctorate feels like her parents’ wallet’s victory—not hers. She bears the taste of failure for much of her life, especially since among her friends she’s seen as “fortunate” rather than “deserving.” A double punishment.
“Happiness doesn’t come from how much we own, but from our ability to still desire,” emphasised American psychologist Barry Schwartz (author of The Paradox of Choice).
In an environment where lack never had a place, the world quickly appears bland—and life meaningless. When everything is served on a platter, what is left to hope for?
Re-valuing frustration as learning
Experts agree: frustration is not a punishment, but a psychological building block. It teaches patience, creativity and resilience—emotional skills essential to adult life. It also teaches a subtle balance, between frustration and emotion-management, between anger and letting go, between reflection and perseverance.
Loving a child does not mean shielding them from every discomfort; it means giving them the capacity to face it. In an era of abundance and overstimulation, reintroducing lack is not cruel. On the contrary, it is a deeply humanistic act of upbringing: one that prepares the child to face the complexity of the world without collapsing.
